My neck hurts, so I’ll also be sending Nissan a bill to ensure that I am treated by expert masseurs in ensuring my spine has not encountered alignment issues from the brutal centrifugal forces at work at every roundabout, shifting the very fabric of my tissue, muscle and sinew to such an extent, I feel like a Hellraiser demon with all exposed internals etc.

Furthermore, it was a gross inappropriate expectation to have me spending more time looking at my rear view mirror than out of my windscreen in anticipation of the impending arrest and subsequent media circus frenzy that would no doubt have escalated from having turned myself into the first road user to ever discover time travel from a chance encounter during some unholy speed and g-force combination to provide some until now undiscovered mathematical equation. This irregular impact of stress upon myself should not go unnoticed.

I have spent the past three, glorious days in a 2011 Nissan GTR. Most of you know the drill by now. What’s different? More power, up to 523BHP, bigger brakes, better aero (less drag better MPG) and new wheels. See here for a complete list of changes. 2011 GT-R – THE BEST GETS BETTER – GT-R Register – Official Nissan Skyline and GTR Owners Club forum

Quite simply put, this is an astonishingly fast and competent car. I can end the review right now by saying, if what you want is the quickest point to point car in the universe, then look no further. To compound matters by pricing it under £70k does nothing other than send super car owners into fits of apoplexy.

What makes it so devastatingly quick is beyond my comprehension. My Lamborghini LP560, with 550 BHP and less weight, is not this quick. Nor is it so damn well equipped, with every luxury conceivable thrown into the mix. Sat nav, dual zone climate control, cruise, bluetooth, iphone integration, heated leather seats – and four seats with a boot.

It makes a compelling argument against the supercar establishment. Certainly, in pure performance figures, if you remove the Nissan name, you have a car that can destroy all but the most functional track devices on road and off. So why do we still aspire to the illogical, impracticalities of super car ownership when the GTR gives us more than we’ll ever need? We’ll come back to this later. It’s a conundrum, make no mistake.

Let’s talk about the performance of this car.

Every time I left the traffic lights, I became more and more paranoid that I’d just inadvertently launched before the lights had turned green again as I’d look in my mirror and see that I was over 100m down the road and the other motorists were still static at the lights.

Forget first gear. Just….forget it. It doesn’t ever hang around long enough for you to notice it actually exists. But the speed and efficiency with which it engages second and continues a relentless, tireless, committed and stubborn urge, sucking up small children and causing tornados in its wake is utterly frightening. One cannot sympathise with the constant Baby Veyron comparisons, it really is a monster.

I have never driven a car so utterly effortless in its devastating capacity to lunch every other car on the road. It is a force of benign nature that offers relentless levels of competence and aptitude to such extents that one cannot help but feel a little complacent about its performance. It’s so easy to do.

I still begrudge Nissan for not making the car sound a little more menacing. Aurally, it’s up there with Dyson. But then that’s the car summed up. It’s the most functionally competent car I’ve ever driven. Its goal was to smash the ‘Ring title and make a car that strikes fear into the hearts of the establishment. And it has done this, repeatedly. It has literally done everything it set out to do.

And that ferocious urge doesn’t get tired, ever. Any gear, any revs, punch it. Motorway slip roads become moments of pure, red tinged frenzy with slight banks to roads causing periods of light speed comedy. But as your confidence develops, so do the accumulating speeds. It is an exercise in restraint, as any nonchalance surely will lead to some dramatic finale.

Ride around town and things are a little different. The damping, though not perfect, does a better job of absorbing the harshness of city commutes. It’s got good ground clearance too, avoiding any damage from speed bumps throughout London. This compounds a scary conclusion in that the faster you go, the better the car becomes, but the threshold of this car is so high, your buffer for mistakes equally become thinner.

Rear seats are token, too. Strangely enough, you can fit two small adults in there but not any children. The short base of the seats mean their feet don’t quite drop into the gap, but instead end up pushing up against the front seats.

I still am quite confused with the interior of the GTR. At first impression, it appears that it has been designed by at least half a dozen people, each person given a responsibility for each section. It doesn’t seem to work in any form of unity, lacking the cohesion necessary to make an occasion for the driver. But spend a few hours here and all of a sudden it makes sense. Bar the electric windows, everything is within the reach of the driver. It’s quite a usable cockpit. And the sat nav is amongst the best I’ve ever used.

A combination of dozens of different screens, the unit shifts intelligently from one display to another, switching clever instructions as it sees fit. Combined with the 3D landmarks, it’s a fast, effective system which was a joy to use. iPhone integration was amazing also. With my unit plugged in, I had my phone paired through bluetooth and my playlists up on the touchscreen unit within seconds. A classy well done to Nissan for that, thoroughly good job.

Sunday morning, 7am and I’m driving up to meet friends in supercars. I’m in a great environment, the R35, and strictly speaking I don’t know if I’d rather be in anything else right now. It’s comfortable, surreally quick and has all the mod cons you’d want.

This time of morning allows for swift progress and liberties to be taken. Mostly, shifting down is unnecessary as the car will swallow tarmac, regardless of gear, in full automatic. Arriving shortly after at our meeting point, the fast moving convoy is in progress after picking up more cars along the way.

By the time we arrive at our first petrol station, we’ve got 4 Lamborghini’s, a 458 Italia, a Zonda F, a Mercedes AMG CLK63 Black and a Porsche GT3RS. Despite the obvious performance adequacy (the GTR is more than a match for all these cars in real terms), I am completely invisible. Especially when we get to our final destination where we’ve picked up another Zonda, an F50, a Murcielago SV, Carerra GT and a host of other supercars.

Whilst paying for petrol, I overhear a few people at the queue talking about the collection of colour out on the forecourt. Every single car is mentioned apart from the GTR – and I won’t lie, this was a little damaging to my ego. Why wasn’t I being noticed? Didn’t they hear about the 523BHP engine? The 7.22 Ring lap? I knew exactly how to show them. When I start my engine, they’ll see.

As the whole forecourt erupted into life with various forms of Italian exotica celebrating the progression of the modern combustion engine, I sat there and started my engine, slightly embarrassed with the relatively silent contribution my gigantic exhausts were making. I’ll just do my windows up then…

Back on the road, and the visual payback is repeated. Every car gets photographed, pointed at, commented on – except mine. Again, I’m a silent witness to an orgy of car exotica and despite me being able to play with the best of them, I felt like the last guy picked for the football team.

The lack of aural and visual impact is indeed a problem in such esteemed company. A supercar is all about the drama. It’s about the excesses and necessities (or lack of thereof) of over-the-top extravagance. It’s why Lambo’s start engines with at least 2000 too many rpm’s. And why when you downshift a Ferrari you get a strangely gratuitous throttle blip.

Things that can’t be measured and can’t be reasoned with any form of logic. But therein lies the appeal of the GTR. It is unfazed by the spectacle of supercar characteristic. It attempts to do what it does best in the most efficient, unassuming way possible. It doesn’t feel the need to bark before it bites, instead opting to deliver its key message in a calm, controlled, almost mature manner.

Its performance is massive. Its offering is delightfully rich. And there is its character laid bare. It’s a loyal dog, always there for you when you need him, never questioning your motives and continues to provide you with the best relationship you could ever have.

As the sun dipped over Rickmansworth on a fantastic Sunday afternoon, everything suddenly fell into place for me and I suddenly understood the Nissan GTR.

I think if Nissan spent less time trying to force the GTR to become a supercar, it may eventually find itself placed in a unique pigeon hole without peer. It’s not a supercar, but it is a supercar slayer. With a boot.

Thanks to Terry Steeden at Nissan GB for the loan of the car. You’re lucky you have the car back. Nissan security were willing to take a bribe.

As my predecessor elected to retain the car upon the inverse of his garage, I came to the car and discovered it buried underneath 2 inches of snow. Anyone who’s anyone knows GT3’s hate the cold for long periods. They are wild, feral beasts that choose to dance upon warm environments and work themselves into sweated frenzies. Anything more than a couple of weeks in sub-zero temperatures, the battery dies.

And my battery was dead.

First trip to Halfords and I bought another trickle charger (typical when you REALLY need your trickle charger, it’s actually 50 miles north because a friend borrowed it). This was plugged into the car and after 6 hours, ignition turned. Great, still nothing. Another trip to Halfords and I returned with a new battery and £120 lighter of pocket. Official Porsche one costs £300.00 – I hope I will not need it come warranty inspection time, later this month.

At last, I’m out, winding down doing 40 mph on the North Circular with pleasant satisfaction upon myself. Not much can do this, I find being in a familiar car environment is the great antithesis to stress.

This is my first 997 in RS guise. After periods of ridiculing RS buyers for having too much money to burn, I find myself open to revenge criticism.

Comparisons between the two inevitable of course, but I’ll not be qualified to do so until limits are explored on track. What I can say from the off is how incredible susceptible the RS is to tramlining, the wheels finding solace amongst the rutted valleys within the tarmac. Especially so of late, as the snow and low temperatures have made a mockery of UK asphalt. I inadvertently went over pot-holes tonight that were violent enough to shatter my spinal column.

Noise is also amplified. Not only is the rear window made of plastic, so less able to insulate noise, but also the single mass flywheel makes for a very noisy clutch. The acoustic effect is there to accentuate the ‘trackday’ aspect of the RS, but what I found it does is make the standard GT3 so much more hospitable in times when you aren’t on the racetrack.

But these are minor negatives to what is, of course, a staggeringly good car. Perfect heel and toeing – not because I’m a heel and toe master, but simply because the car’s been built to allow me, nay, entice me to do it. In the same way the steering wheel position, relative to your seating height and arm length is just spot on and even when you’re at a traffic light you can’t help but feel you’re on the grid. It feels like that scene in Avatar where the Na’vi connect with various animals via the nerve receptors at the end of their hair. It’s just a raw, primal, fleshy connection between man and car.

Tonight’s weather conditions were treacherous, given the amount of crap on the roads, that wasn’t surprising. But the GT3, being the delicate tool that it is, is subtley attuned to these variations in road and weather conditions. Care and attention is required to avoid any heart in mouth moments that require quick flicks of the wrist and brave maintenance of throttle and steering alike, lest you end up like the poor Z4 driver tonight who inexplicably buried himself into the very foundations of Hammersmith flyover at 50 MPH. I couldn’t find the front of that car for the life of me. It simply was no more.

2009 was an appalling year, both commercially and personally. After having been subjected to countless burglaries and various episodes of the law working against me, it’s nice to be back in something that is familiarly excellent.

It doesn’t make 2009 alright, but it does make it easier to swallow.

Spot the coffee cup.

However far and few rewards are with owning a car forum, it can be satisfying at times seeing the uninterrupted dialogue between owners and enthusiasts alike, existing simply because you’ve provided for it and continue to maintain and massage the systems and staff required to run it, regardless of the mountains of cash that can be easily consumed when attempting to keep it ahead of the game.

Even so, I am at a loss when witnessing silently the anger and confusion dealt in equal measure to those currently awaiting for more information regarding their imminent GTR’s. Never have I seen such ambiguity and chaos during the launch of what is hailed as a seminal car. Now that certain criteria has been cast in to the light of scrutiny, it’s easy to see the reason why many others have cancelled.

VDC on/off is a topic of heated discussion with many thousands of words exchanged in the name of clarity but without any success. Nobody still knows the stance of Nissan and the VDC palaver and it’s subsequent effect on warranty status. Pre- and post-track day inspections are frankly hilarious and illustrate the fact that Nissan appear to have lost all control of the situation, preferring to make up rules as and when the voices of discontent increase in volume. Alleged costs of maintenance yearly are in the region of £4000.00 and the fact that Nissan are threatening to void warranties when these conditions are not met are in stark contrast to the Porsche baiting bravado they were keen to exhibit during the glared, lens flared launch over a year ago.

Porsche are at the top of their game for a reason and Nissan’s chipping away at their reputation has been nauseating at the least. Specifically, as a key target demographic, I’d like to see some evidence of these feats being met before championing them. I’ve done over 30 track days in Porsches and their warranty is rock solid. I do not need no nonsense inspections by Porsche in order to validate my legitimacy to partake on these events. I’ve just been to Porsche only a couple of weeks ago to extend my warranty and they were witness to both my horrendously obtuse brake discs and pads and my sticky track tyres. The questions I was asked were along the lines of “What did you think of Oulton Park?”, “I’ve added a litre of oil to your car, no problem – enjoy Silverstone and when you’re back, I’ll let you have a play with a Cayman”.

Nissan have launched this car on massively false pretences.

• The launch was smothered with news of its record breaking performance on the Nurburgring, smashing all previous times set by other manufacturers.
• The car was unveiled at the Goodwood Festival of Speed
• The car was shown to Europe at the Geneva Motorshow last year with a scale to size model of the entire Nurburgring circuit, with plasma screens showing the various track performance snippets. The main attraction, on the hour, was in-car video footage of a banzai lap of the ‘Ring.
• Race academy was introduced to new owners. A choice of Silverstone or Nurburgring was offered to hone the skills of deposit paid buyers
• Race helmets were sent out to owners.
• Ad infinitum

Porsche offer a no-cost option on their track focused cars called the Club Sport package. This comes with a roll-cage, fire extinguisher, race harnesses and in the case of earlier models, fuel cut out switches. There is no hidden deceit with regards to how Porsche are promoting the GT3.

Time will tell the attitude of Nissan dealers and their umbrella supporters, Nissan GB, but at the moment all I can see are disgruntled expectants who are waiting for a spark to convert en mass to alternative cars.

I suggest Nissan spend some time in clearing the mess of the current GTR before continuing to market the Spec-V. The fact that UK owners have to wait a whole year after the ROW is a comically unjust distribution. Ultimately, there is one question to ask:

Is the Nissan GTR a track car, or not?