Hi there. My name is Keanu Reeves. I had high hopes for this film and reading the initial script, I thought I could contribute to what appeared to be a thought provoking contemporary take on man’s parasitic nature and his effect on the planet Earth. Even the special effects appeared to be sorted so I continued in my trademarked braindead pose to ensure my multi-million pay cheque remained valid.

However, nobody told me I’d be sharing my acting space with an annoying 9 year old fuck face who would do nothing other than shit on my parade, annoy the audience and give reason to switch off.

Film makers note. 9 year olds do not have inner depth. They do not have wells of courage and they certainly do not, in their dread locked weird inter-racial, extra marital, noughties family, ‘reaching out’ kind of endearment, allow audiences to ‘connect’. I wanted nothing other than to punch him in the face and was rooting for GORT to take out his tools of Armageddon and exact his immediate revenge, first on the kid by eradicating his immediate existence, then onto Keanu for bothering with an argument in the first place.

Jennifer – I expected more from you.